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I FIGURE. . .

The following pieces started from issues of 'Your General Letter Quarterly'. They were originally inspired by Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts. We hope you find them to be humorous. They are random thoughts that we felt if shared, could only make this world, a more beautiful place to be.

I FIGURE - That one gettin coffee in bed is less of an, "I Love You", kinda thing, and more of a, " I need you to drink this all up quick then drag your worthless ass outta that bed," kinda thing.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That having an addiction of any sort is pretty much like havin sex with a gorilla. It ain't really gonna be over until the gorilla says it is over.          (Redmon)

I FIGURE - If cats would be consistent in whether they want to make me walk around them or to just get on outta my way, I don't reckon they'd get kicked in the damn head as much.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Child abuse is OK, as long as you borrow someone else's child. You should always abuse this child in front of your own children. This gives your child a good frame of reference. That way, when you say, "I'm gonna beat you black, and blue," Well, your child knows that you are actually capable of such a thing!          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  It would be downright silly of me to try and please a typist via digital stimulation of the clitoris. I mean I can only type 20 words a minute - at best. 15 if you count mistakes - and women always count mistakes.          (HOWLER)

Eggs give me gas, but  I FIGURE - lots of vermin eat them and I'm just as good as any vermin- wouldn't you say?          (HOWLER)

A wize old man once asked me, "If you were standing in a pool of shit piled up to your neck, and someone threw a brick at your head, would you duck?" I FIGURE -  it depends on if they were aimin' for the front of my head or the back. I just might take a brick in the back of the head to avoid a face full of shit. I wonder how many scat enthusiasts will find this page for my having typed the words 'face full of shit'.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Of all the things I have never eaten I think the thing I most regret not having tasted would have to be Chinese woman. I recon that a half hour later I would just have to taste them again. I think my wife might secretly be Chinese cuz she is after me like clockwork - every half an hour.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - The reason the dancers at the totally nude nudey bar aren't allowed to do the splits is on account of the bouncers is tired of having to slide them to the edge of the stage to get 'em stood back up. ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - That just cause there appears to be a sound method don't rule out the possibility that it shouldn't NOT be dismissed as madness.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That woman wouldn't complain half as much about non-communicative men if they would just be more selective in their conversational topic choices. Periods, fashion, cooking, pop music, puppies/kittens, , , ya, ya, yawn. ( Spooge )

I FIGURE - There are very few things to eat in this world that WOULD not be improved by the addition of a heavily buttered biscuit or two. Now I recon I know what you may be thinkin and the answer is yes, that'd be better too.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - The only thing a seventy year old woman keeps betwixt her breasts is her navel. ( Lane Smythe )

I FIGURE - You must be pretty repulsive if your dog shuts his eyes when he is a humpin your leg. ( Iceman )

I FIGURE - I figure I will do what ever the hell I want in my own house! And if my wife don't like it, well one of us can get the fuck out. Anybody know of a cheap apartment for rent.           (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Iffn Imma have to fight a guy on acounta he thinks I slept with his Girlie, then I'd prefer havin had slept with said Girlie. ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - When they said everything tastes great on a ritz cracker, I don't reckon they took into account of Toe funk.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - When Ole Uncle Ted starts a talkin all his crap at table this year on Thanksgivin, Im'ma go straight to his jaw - then pass granny the mashed pertaters. ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - You can only safely drink thirty to forty glasses of beer in a day, no matter how rich you are. ( Tressler )

I FIGURE - Whatever Jerri Falwell does behind closed doors with his Tinki Winki doll, is nobody's bidness.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That right now is just a beautiful time to be alive. Our generation gets to reap all the benefits of global warming while our children and their children have to suffer for it. ( spooge )

I FIGURE - That the reason prostitution is still legal in Vegas could be on account of it is rumored that 60% of the hookers there have HIV. They prolly consider it just another form of gambling. Pon further reflection, them better odds than at the Casino.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That it is ultimatly wizer to clip your toenails before Thanksgiving dinner, on account of you cant reach them afterwards.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That given a choice betwixt the two words, I'll just call my fanny pack a purse and I will just be damned with the ridicule. I mean what the hell?          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  That if I ever found myself walking along a thing that was 10,000 times my own size, and then I realized that this thing I was walking on, was a living thing, I don't think that in a million, billion years, it would ever cross my mind to bite this thing. So, I ask ya, what the hell could spiders be thinkin?          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - I really can't just go and pick a favorite food, on account of I woun'nt wanna hurt other food's feelins. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum Food!       ( DiddumDaddum )

I FIGURE - That if I really had a happy place, and I ever found where it was, that there is a better than average chance that someone will have recently passed gas in there.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Leonardo D'Capprio will never have to buy another pair of underware as long as he lives. As long as he can console himself to wearing the abundance of frilly panties that I am sure little girls throw at him each day.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - There is no better pet, nor more fun than a bag full-o-Ferrets.          (CDTrips)

Whenever someone does or says something that makes me blow food or liquids thru my nose, I FIGURE - I might as well make sure whatever substance spews forth actually lands on that person.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - If there is a God then he/she must be on an extended vacation. Cuz every day I keep on NOT being hit by bolts of lightning.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - A man can only take so many cold showers afore he needs to take a hot one. So you might want to watch your step next time you get in my shower.          (HOWLER)

No sooner than a childrens television star picks up a hand bag and Jerry Falwell is all over his semi purple ass. I FIGURE -Mr Falwell is the one thats hiding some manner of latent homosexual tendencies. You go Jeri, you fight those demons.          (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - I might some day want to be in a horrible auto accident, on account of they could use those Jaws of life thingys to pry me from the wreckage. Then perhaps they might use those paddle thingys on me. Maybe the paramedic could shout something like, "Live Dammit! Live!" You know, on account of he want's I should live.      ( RIO )

I FIGURE - A really funny joke for NASA to play, would be to fly up into orbit and somehow, push a bunch of the planets out of alignment. Then they could all just sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes are not coming true.         ( Lane Smythe )

I FIGURE - Tere may or may not be a judgment day. I hope there is a one though cuz imma sit back and laugh as people get there just deserts. HA HA HA I will say, and then when ole Michael, The Arch Angel, looks my way I will tell him I was chuckling on account of something funny I remembered what Carrot Top once said. Of course I will be in trouble if he wants to know the joke, cuz no one remembers anything that carrot top once said. And even if they did, what is the odds that it mighta been something to chuckle at.           (HOWLER)

Well that's about all we have compiled for you thus far check back later for updates, and if you have a piece of original wisdom, please, be so good as to send it our way. Mayhaps we might post it here for you.

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