If you've been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don't use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don't be boring and just take sleeping pills --- go out with style and flare.
All these methods require some planning but don't let that dissuade you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you're killing yourself. Why not leave a legacy?
Here are a couple of great ways to kill your self by jumping off a tall building or cliff or basically anything really high. The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one around. There's just no bloody point in that.
Difficulty level: 7
Difficulty level: 10
This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three stories will do. Remember to use the Vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's the ingredient that adds pizzazz.
Difficulty level: 1
HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it. Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?
Difficulty level: 3
Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.
Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.
Difficulty level: 11
Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.
Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.
In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.
Difficulty level: 8
Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."
This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, shit. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You would have to work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do? Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality and get cracking'.
Difficulty level: 5
The abundance of media outlets these days has afforded a nearly infinite number of ways to relay your message of doom and despair while consequently minimizing the impact. No longer can you be assured a sizable audience for the ranting and pontificating that so often accompany political/ecological/religious movements.
"Oh, whatever can I do?!" you may be wailing. "The world is coming to an end. Death and despair loom on the horizon. [Insert your hated adversary's name here] is the embodiment of evil. He/she/they/it is/are/will be the antichrist/destruction of us all/black death come to haunt us/etc."
"How can I get my cause the attention it deserves?" you ask. The answer is simple: A futile pointless violent act displayed to millions on the evening news.
Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your death.
Difficulty level: 9
Find a strong burly friend that will help you. Then find Jerry Seinfeld. Have your strong burly friend pick up Seinfeld and beat you to death with him.
Later Jerry will make a TV show out of it or maybe it will just end up in his act. "So I said, 'Hey! Who are these people that pick up other people and beat other people to death with them?'"
Difficulty level: -1
Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a while. Explode.
Difficulty level: 3
Take five large steaks. Rub them all over your body and stuff what remains into every pocket and orifice you can find. Tape at least one steak inside your clothing directly to your body. Find one large hungry grizzly bear. Taunt it till it comes to a full boil, attacks, and kills you.
Dying this way, at the paws of a grizzly bear, will allow the tabloid newspapers and daily TV news shows to use the headline "Grizzly Death!" repeatedly.
Difficulty level: 4
Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets.
Difficulty level: 6
Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY too many repetitions of songs you've been listening to since childhood. Anything Cathy Lee Gifford espouses must, by definition, be evil.
The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to:
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