HumorCafe's Odd Ball Press
"The presence of a method does not exclude
the fact that it is indeed madness!"
||Nelly Furtado Falls to Death Backstage
at MTV Studio
(By Diego Frenzy 7/20/01)
Graphic by: A. Otherdude Modified
by: I. Stoalit and Denny Changedit
Citing low quality content and flagging ratings,
executives at MTV have admitted that during a bizarre mixture of mimicking Fear Factory
and Spy TV, Brazilian (Or something?) singer Nelly Furtado plunged more than eighty feet
to the tarmac, where a Real World reunion episode was being broadcast live in the early
hours of Friday morning, July 20. Drugs were not involved, the executives announced,
nor was there any hint (To our dismay) of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Roadies and people who were minding their own business stated that the singer did not fall
into the frame or disrupt sound quality, but executives are not so sure that the backstage
shenanigans with the foreign superstar would go so unnoticed by the rest of the recording
and promotions world. Several of Michael Hutchence's closest friends were on hand to
Furtado in the practical joke, which involved exposing a weakness to alcohol.
"We were trying to coax her (Nelly Furtado) back to the ladder with offers of Chile
Rillenos or anything she wanted, but she acted as if she were afraid of the Dr. Dre
entourage. She would not listen to us, or maybe she couldn't understand. We
pleaded and begged but she kept backing up," stated Chandler Collins, a tour manager
for the greater Southwestern United States. "But my Spanish isn't all it used
to be. Todo a si, no?"
|Chile rillenos, a popular ethnic Mexican dish, consists of
green peppers stuffed with meat, tomatoes, and cheese, garnished with guacamole, sour
cream, and occasionally mole sauce. First made popular during cocaine-binge
breakfasts for The Charley Daniel's Band and ZZ Top, the dish has spread to the reaches of
America's borders. Nowadays a white man can walk into a helateria and not
be made to feel as though thousands of years ago his missionary ancestors were raping
natives. He can be reassured that America is the big melting pot.
no picture of Chile Rillenos was found)
While in rehabilitation, Ms. Furtado had been tricked into giving an
interview for MTV, which was subsequently broadcast on streaming media. The
bilingual interviewer asked if Ms. Furtado would consider dating an icon like Ricky Martin
or Jose Iglesias, and the singer laughingly replied that it would be a cold day in her
mother's womb before that happened.
Before fleeing to the studio where she would climb the backstage lighting ladder, the
singer stopped at a liquor store and with spare change bought several airplane-portion
servings of tequila. Security cameras followed Ms. Furtado to the MTV studio door,
but she fended off further attempts to pursue her by slashing a production assistant with
a switchblade knife.
From that point on, remote cameras followed her course to the top of the steel structure,
where she slowly stepped off the platform.
||The safety netting had been taken out to accommodate the
extensive crowds for the Real World reunion, but New Haven studio authorities have
announced that it will be replaced with oversized copper fishhooks, which will be more
visually striking in the rays of sodium lights.
All was calm until later that evening. Upon learning that Red Hot Chili Peppers
bassist Flea (shown at right, sans panties) planned to throw himself from the same point
as Ms. Furtado, a small crowd gathered, but the bassist did not appear. ----- [ BACK ]