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Taco Bell, and KFC Admit to Using Stem Cell Cheese Flavoring C-13

(7/23/01- Diego Frenzy)

In a press briefing filled with guacamole appetizers and industry tongue-teasers of every variety, the chief operating officer of the Pepsi conglomerate admitted that the "extra-delicious" flavor additive known as C-13 was actually a mixture of a lime-based salsa and embryonic stem cells.  As well as Wisconsin Colby and Tijuana Pepper Jack, the artificial cheese will soon come in flavors like Manhattan Jew and Minnesota Christ.

First added to food in a laboratory mix-up by Juan Sheherbatsky, the original Nobel-prize winning researcher who discovered a few drops of the cell mixture mixed well with veal piccata, the additive C-13 became widely known when made popular by tenor Placido Domingo, who sang its praises on Euro-TV, and whose album, Baby Enchilada, went on to become a double platinum hit.

The spokesdog for Taco Bell, a Chihuahua bitch named See-Saw, had much to say about the topic in a post-production interview.  The small bug-eyed creature had been studying a Koko's English Talking School, and managed to convey the basic concepts.
"Short dog need God," See-Saw signed.  "Shit God not," she motioned emphatically. "Dead baby dog not for dog but for God, not for God Face Soft Taco."

At that point, the commercial star was hustled from the dais by her handlers before she could reveal anything else.  Pepsi's Marketing Department insisted that the dog was a hysterical Mexican prone to beguiling instances of deception, and that any views expressed by the lower primate had no relativity to today's announcement.

One reporter asked if the food served at the event contained any C-13, and the executives admitted that it contained a significant amount.  Tom Brokaw broke out into a loud bark, a half-howl that was accompanied with odd gestures, furtive hand movements that were quickly interpreted an attempt at basic communication.

"One more bite please!" Brokaw signed desperately.  "I love you!"

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When asked if the Food and Drug Administration had approved C-13, Pepsi refused to comment.  Paparazzi at the event managed to corner Britney Spears, however, and after inserting a burning hot poker into her belly button, the young pop star admitted that Disney had not yet decided to endorse C-13.  Spears later asserted bitterly that the government was comprised of Disney executives, all of whom longed to fondle her.

The crowd broke into a smatter of applause, then turned to watch John Ashcroft humping the arm of a crushed velvet divan.  Several of the reporters who had not sampled the cuisine managed to divine that the mixture contained a high dose of alkaloids as well, and the interaction between the limes and the tomatoes was seen as the principal cause of the chemical reaction.  ------ [ BACK ]


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