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   We regret that we weren't able to provide photos Victor Quinones. It appears none of the photographers on the scene of the tragedy showed interest in catching Victor on film. He was ugly you know. I mean real ugly.
   We were also unable to bring you photo's of the beating of mister shipman though it was highly photographed.

In Other News

Fate Of 16 Cubans Not Influenced By Ugly Child

(Bi: Amanda B. Gaywith and Jesta Phareek)

(Photo provided by

The Immigration Naturalization Service’s decision to deport 16 Cubans rescued off of the Florida Keys last month was unchanged despite news of the death of one of the young refugee’s mother.

Unlike the case of Elian Gonzales, 8-year-old Victor Quinones and the 15 other surviving Cubans that were rescued by the Coast Guard July 4 are to be deported and sent back to Cuba. Without delay.

 Look at that angelic Elian.

“These are two completely different set of circumstances,” said Cletus Shippman, INS spokesman. “First of all, Elian was cute as a damn button. He just came across beautifully on the TV. Victor on the other hand is a homely little bastard. Do you have any idea what that would do for the ratings?” He continued, "Hell, even Janet Reno said that boy was homely. Now ya know that's one ugly kid."
(Photo by I. Stoalit)

The official stance by the INS however, is that immigrants are the direct cause of all of American society’s problems.

“So the butt-ugly little commie’s momma past on,” Shippman commented. “19 others that were on that boat died too. Them damn Cubans are always a dyin’ like that. They don’t know no better. Asides, losin a love one does not give a body a automatic right to enjoy the freedom of these here United States - God Bless 'em, All fifty of 'em,,,," Mr. Shippman may have continued but was suddenly distracted by my shiny keys.

The two-man canoe left Cuba with 35 refugees packed into its tiny hull and clinging to the sides. Ten, including young Victor’s mother Maria Quinones, are assumed to have fallen victim to hypothermia after 7 days at sea. Another eight were eaten alive by sharks as the rest of the immigrants screamed the word 'Peligro!' repeatedly. A word this reporter believes to mean 'Shark!'. One man tried to swim for it. He has not been found.

“We cannot go back to Cooba now,” said Hector Mogollon, captain of the vessel, and one of the survivors. “We have been through so much, and all for the dream of living free of Castro’s tyranny in the great USA.” Hectors failure to pronounce the word Cuba correctly brought on some suspicion.

Several American relatives of lil Victor were found in the southern Florida region. None of whom volunteered to take little Victor into their hearts. Most declined comment save for one 'Benito Finito Joaquim Juarez, De La Venega, Del Campion, Quinones', A distant cousin of Victors father, whom we'll call Fred. "What ar jou gonna do wid a face like dat," said Fred with a shudder. Fred continued, "I would haf to make heem put a bag to his face when I put him to clean up the yunk in da back jard." Fred was also silenced by my shiny keys.

The INS insists this is an open/shut case of illegal immigration.   “The only reason there was ever a doubt with the Gonzales case was ‘cause he was such a cute little cigar-wrapper,” Shippman explained. “If it had been up to me, I woulda sent him back directly to El Presidente himself. Everybody knows them Cubans is why we got so much crime. Ain’t you never seen ‘Scarface’.”  

Mr Shippman was later soundly beaten and replaced as spokesman for the INS.  ------- [ BACK ]


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